Response From Stan To Phil on "How To Attain Stan's Longevity!"

My Dear Phil,

I am pleased you asked Jon about my longevity from an "Old Man of Hout Bay Harbour" as I am now known. The missive was difficult to decipher having been singed by what appeared to be an old clay pipe. It was a script of a conversation obviously written by a very competent Rocky playwright, between Jon and yourself, regarding the tenuous business of hanging on to existence itself. Whilst other humanoid creatures of similar vintage are so busy excitedly pushing up daisies!

I am truly flattered that you have expressed so much interest in my longevity. As Jon so rightly points out, the close proximity of Hout Bay water is the basic secret. You see, all the nutrients of the nearby Mandela Park drain into Hout Bay. As you well know, Mandela is only 2 years younger than I and he is still very fit.

One important correction; I face West when sitting on my prayer mat. It is important to have the Cape Doctor whistling around your testicles from the rear. Don't listen to you Unlce Graham too much, the intake of sticky pudding can only lead to a sticky end.

Charles Atlas has always been my role model especially when bulging in his gym slip and threatening folk who kick sand into other peoples' faces. He recommends a brisk lie-down after strenuous exercise.

This exercise, which must be carried out in the kitchen; three hundred steps tippy toes or fifteen laps. Thirty deep breaths in, hands above head, on tip toes (don't forget to breathe out). Then ten squats ie., leap to the floor, knees bent, rise slowly arms outstretched, fingers outstretched. Hands clasped in the small of the back, bend head backwards until you can see the holes in your socks, then rotate head slowly, first to the left then right. These exercises should be carried out every morning and on Sundays before church.

Yes Phil, oats are very important - you might say the very backbone of longevity. They must be of the wild variety. Refined oats will not do as they clog some of your heavy organs. If you can obtain the oats sown by wild men and cooked gently, you will be on your way to a happy 90 plus, providing you have never smoked or imbibed the filthy liquor!

Of course you will need a creative hobby to stimulate the old gray matter. Now as you were in the building trade for a brief spell, it might be a good idea to start with dolls houses. Jon could make the dollies to fit in your model houses.

It's important to keep the mind active. I know Jon has his own ideas on longevity like patent medicine and counting marbles into old jam jars - or analyzing the rites of the various religious movements and anticipating his chances of avoiding a meeting with Uncle Dad at the Pearly Gates.

Well Phil, if there is any other advice you need like sex in the nineties, please let me know. Please tell Susie that I am saving for her new shoes but in the meantime to stuff the two halves of this envelope into any holes she has. I know she cannot use Jon's socks because I am wearing them. One final note; try to resist the urge to climb all the trees in Denver!

From your old friend Stan
September 2009