Response From Stan To Phil on "How To Attain Stan's Longevity!"

My Dear Phil,

I am pleased you asked Jon about my longevity from an "Old Man of Hout Bay Harbour" as I am now known. The missive was difficult to decipher having been singed by what appeared to be an old clay pipe. It was a script of a conversation obviously written by a very competent Rocky playwright, between Jon and yourself, regarding the tenuous business of hanging on to existence itself. Whilst other humanoid creatures of similar vintage are so busy excitedly pushing up daisies!

I am truly flattered that you have expressed so much interest in my longevity. As Jon so rightly points out, the close proximity of Hout Bay water is the basic secret. You see, all the nutrients of the nearby Mandela Park drain into Hout Bay. As you well know, Mandela is only 2 years younger than I and he is still very fit.

One important correction; I face West when sitting on my prayer mat. It is important to have the Cape Doctor whistling around your testicles from the rear. Don't listen to you Unlce Graham too much, the intake of sticky pudding can only lead to a sticky end.

Charles Atlas has always been my role model especially when bulging in his gym slip and threatening folk who kick sand into other peoples' faces. He recommends a brisk lie-down after strenuous exercise.

This exercise, which must be carried out in the kitchen; three hundred steps tippy toes or fifteen laps. Thirty deep breaths in, hands above head, on tip toes (don't forget to breathe out). Then ten squats ie., leap to the floor, knees bent, rise slowly arms outstretched, fingers outstretched. Hands clasped in the small of the back, bend head backwards until you can see the holes in your socks, then rotate head slowly, first to the left then right. These exercises should be carried out every morning and on Sundays before church.

Yes Phil, oats are very important - you might say the very backbone of longevity. They must be of the wild variety. Refined oats will not do as they clog some of your heavy organs. If you can obtain the oats sown by wild men and cooked gently, you will be on your way to a happy 90 plus, providing you have never smoked or imbibed the filthy liquor!

Of course you will need a creative hobby to stimulate the old gray matter. Now as you were in the building trade for a brief spell, it might be a good idea to start with dolls houses. Jon could make the dollies to fit in your model houses.

It's important to keep the mind active. I know Jon has his own ideas on longevity like patent medicine and counting marbles into old jam jars - or analyzing the rites of the various religious movements and anticipating his chances of avoiding a meeting with Uncle Dad at the Pearly Gates.

Well Phil, if there is any other advice you need like sex in the nineties, please let me know. Please tell Susie that I am saving for her new shoes but in the meantime to stuff the two halves of this envelope into any holes she has. I know she cannot use Jon's socks because I am wearing them. One final note; try to resist the urge to climb all the trees in Denver!

From your old friend Stan
September 2009

Isn't it about time education had a makeover?

Do you recall sitting at your school desk that had been used by countless kids before you? You can see names scratched on the surface going back 50 years or so, heart shaped ink blots, dribble stains of yesteryear. Then you feel the pain of trying to absorb the meaningless data, the blackboard filled with hieroglyphics that only professors could read or understand.

Most of you were slouched over the desk as the teacher droned on endlessly, your thoughts darting elsewhere. Looking around the classroom you see a few of your buddies with their eyes closed, some doodling on their scrapbooks, others in a deep trance. Is this all about education you ask yourself? You begin to think it is so much more fun playing football so why is learning so very boring when you see absolutely no need to learn all about the vivisection of frogs legs, you think "When will I ever use this knowledge? Besides, I can find all this in an instant on my iPod if I need it."

We all seem to lack basic knowledge, and worse, basic answers to common questions so essential to everyday life. We are caught in a stimulus-response culture with no real thought of creativity until we wake up to how stagnant and uncreative the education system we have blindly followed for decades. It is high time the education system woke up to NCLB (no child left behind) which has to be changed or scrapped before closing the so-called "under performing" schools.

Learning by rote is out, consulting the students' understanding is in if teachers desire educated kids!

All schools, public or private, have to be totally restructured and we start with teacher recruitment. How are they recruited, retained and paid? Discrimination is alive and well, not everyone has a right to teach or even to basic education which is hard to believe, so please check it out, you will be astounded.

The following is vital for future generations; more bucks for innovation, for new ideas, real accountability with proven results, diversity of curricula and to encourage passion, drive and enthusiasm - teachers must have a love of future generations.

We talk about education costs and if we cut back any further the end result will be devastating, the US becoming a third-world country? Ha! Wait and see if nothing is done very soon as we all become robotic, and more like sheep!

Have a look at the current education stats, one in every four child leaving school is illiterate. And it will get worse, a lot worse. Man's greatest disease is ignorance followed by laziness and both of these are basic attitudes like wearing a coat - you can either leave it on or take it off, the choice is always yours.

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